|
|
|
my blog.my life...
|
Saturday, June 05, 2004
i stepped down as vice capt & joined soccer...this decision, i must say comes with it mixed emotions.It pains to part with running, after all the past 3 years of my life has been dedicated to it. Happy:) cos i finally found what i really enjoyed doing; training has been really gr8 fun. it was a hell of a nerve wrecking experience when i had to break the news to Ang. fortunately, it didn't turn out tt bad; he was nice. well, after my departure, there will be tounges wagging; ppl having opinions about me..but seriously, i dun care & i try not to let it bother me..cos really, I can't pls everyone. My departure is an awkward one. i dunno how much they ve bitch about me (quite alot, i figured out)..oh wellz, i've gotta live up to my decision. Ppl whom i noe gave me tt kinda look (the half roll eye, half kiam pah look) which really puts me off..must my departure evoke such hatred & grudge? Hey, i stepped down (a huge price in exchange for soccer, remember tt!) & c'mon not tt my prescence means anything much to those "ppl". btw, i dun regard juz as much. to the crossies..will be missing u guyz..sadly..but yeah, all the best for next year's nationals!!!
Loo at 11:07 PM :: link
Friday, May 28, 2004
tomorrow may well be my last day in cross country. I've decided to join soccer. how foolish, u might think, but ultimately, i've made tt painful decision & I shall live with it. it comes down whether which one i really enjoy doing. 10 years down the road, i do not wish to turn back and ask myself y didn't I pursue soccer..i don't want to regret what i've done or rather, what i've not done. on the other hand, i've been running all these years & saying goodbye hurts. However, i can't pls others; they don't govern my life; i would rather others despise me than me being upset juz to please others. I've talked to Mr Lynn about this..he has been encouraging..he supports whatever decision i make. the problem is how should i go about telling Ang? how will he react? I'm the vice capt..and it's politically incorrect for me to go for soccer trials yesterday..i felt bad. for soccer, i'm willing to step down - tt's how far i'm willing to go, without even considering if i'll make it to the team next year. Running has taken the toil out of me..it has left me aimless, gasping for an ans which seemed eternity. I hate tt feelin'..all i want is to enjoy the remaining 1.5 years in jc. there will be bitching, backstabbing, gossips & critisms for sure..but again, i can't pls everybody. To the cross country team, i wish u guys all the best for ur next season and may the new vice capt do a better job then me..to Ang, really sorry i disappointed u..Adios
Loo at 9:33 PM :: link
Monday, May 24, 2004
there was a time trial today - 3000m.. knew it only today when i came for training. wasn't prepared for it. i screwed up. my timing was far worse off than last year's time. i fought back my tears but my anguish and deapair was too unbearable this time round. fuck. fuck. what the fuck happened? i dunno. i told myself - 600m than treat the remaining 2.4k like a normal 2.4 as i would run. but no..half way, it was a matter of me struggling to complete. i was mentally drained. it feels tt god is playing a fuckin' joke on me. i quit a place in the soccer team juz for the sake of running..how dumb can it get when i've not proven my worth and proven myself tt i made the right decision? it juz seemed so unfair tt everyone is improving except me. yes, bye bye to nationals.. fuck it. I'm not ashamed or watever, but it juz feels pointless for me training like a mad dog and not producing anything out of it. it's a fuckin waste of my time.
save the tears. move on. this race ain't gonna put me down.
Loo at 9:51 PM :: link
Friday, May 21, 2004
I had a queer dream yesterday. It's wierd really; it still sent shivers down my spine. I dreamt tt i was buried alive in cement. i was riding nonchalantly along east coast towards my death - i knew tt day i had to die but i didn't noe y. i asked my dad, he said sth like "life is like a globe, u've went over the edge". on my ride to death, i saw little kids giving out pamphlets there was this guy accompanying em, but i couldn't figured out who it was. the next moment, i was coming out of a shed. i overheard a conversation my grandma was having with some lady. She asked the lady "do u noe where my grandson will go after he dies?" the lady had no idea. My grandma said "ye su" (jesus) in chinese. Images of dead ppl flashed across me..i also saw the cross. the next thing i knew i woke up, cos i nearly urinate in my pants. i juz feel tt this whole thing is morbid and abstract-death and religion seems to be the "theme". i wasn't terrified by it tt much but i still ve yet to sort out these pieces of images. why did i remember vividly what my dad said? is there a significance? it's like an ominous and sinister omen i feel. oh well...
Hah, council elections..super entertaining..
every nominee had to walk down the aisle and then go on stage and make a one liner..some of em were really good..but most of them sux big time. it's so lame. i remembered the 1st girl..great display of airheadedness..3 words and she giggles..another 3..giggles again..what a dumb fuck. oh, & y are there so many foriegn scholars running for elections and tt most of them from cambodia or laos or thailand etc. one? tt wouldn't swing in sympathy votes u noe? pathetic china scholars..they think they are some revolutionists or propogandists.."want make ac a better place"..pls try changing ur image (high pants tight shirts crop hair bata shoes yux) first.
Loo at 10:21 PM :: link
Thursday, April 29, 2004
didn't go sch today. this time, I'm genuinely sick:( thanx to the tobasco sauce at NY which aggrevated my sore throat. accompanying it was a runny nose. damned. was thinking of having a long run but now..looks like I've 2 stop running for a ocuple of dayz. sigh.
yey! Bimbo sQuad is expanding..now we ve ppl coming to tell us they want to join. but sorrie..this sQuad is too exclusive already. we aim to be recognised in ACJ in a couple of mths time, go regional in a year's time & perhaps worldwide! meanwhile, we even plan to make name cards! so exciting! what next? get a ISO 9002 award? well..possible k..
yey! i'm vice capt. for cross. but then, kinda expected it. wasn't too disappointed at not being chosen the capt. cos i feel ee ghim will do a gr8 job:) will look forward to our partnership in future. congrats to bimbo squad members liz and reina..treasurer & vice capt respectively..thanx liz for ur card & warheads..dun worry, i'm fine. oh and thanx to both of u for tt britney poster..really appreciate reina's "kind" effort to search for it.
haha, yesterday was track meet..i was contemplating on sneaking out of sch via tt pathetic dog hole behind the sports complex. but darn..every one stayed in the end. but then not too bad..free display of airheadedness by ACj's very own cheerleading squad. their pongpongs are as airy as their heads..their mini skirts and kinky moves perhaps are the only jaw dropper factor but definitely not their face..
period.
Loo at 6:03 PM :: link
Saturday, April 24, 2004
i dunno what's wrong..again this time..3rd race in a week..i let myself down..
today's 5k & i told myself i wanted to prove myself thru this very race. what a letdown:( i juz couldn't find the energy to push beyond my mind & body. i was contemplating to pull out of the race but i persevered to the very end..but not yet..to my biggest dismay, i only completed 11.5 rounds..which means i didn't complete the race afterall..it was bloody disappointing & demoralising. screw it. it's as if God is playing a fool on me..y am i not progressing whilst others have? it's been 3 mths! i had everything i hoped for last year..cross capt, prefect councillor, hse capt..but this year, everything has been reduced to zero...even running has deluded me. what a loser others might say..yes i agree to tt..i've has my glorious dayz gone past me & now i'm in a slumber; an abyss so deep i can't get myself out of it. i prayed & prayed & prayed..nothin' seemed to go my way..i haven't had a positive thing to mention ever since i stepped into ac and cross..it really sucked big time! my life at this moment is one fucked up piece of shit. screw it.
Loo at 9:46 PM :: link
Thursday, April 22, 2004
i haven't talked to her for some time..after the 1st 3 mths, our friendship has come to a standstill..i dunno y..maybe i act dao in front of her..but she also very "bo chap" what..fine. what went wrong..? i miss those moments with her, yao wen, shai & myself but now..those are discarded back into memory lane.. she isn't herself anymore..she used to be so energetic and cheerful but now i see this sadness in her eyes..i dare not ask y..whenever we encounter each other..we juz said "hi" tt's all to our conversation..i want to ask more..but i hold back..y? is she angry with me? nowadays things looks even more bleak..i try to avoid walking in her path so as not to meet her..does she feel the same way? she owes me letters dated a mth ago..so i guess there's no more "letter day"..:( i mean i'm not forcing her to write..but if u dun ve the time or sincerity to write then juz say so..dun ve to give excuses. i forgo studying juz to write her letters in the wee hours of the nite but does she appreciate em? i dunno..maybe becos she's super busy..but i'm super busy too!
guyz (u noe who u are)..pls refrain from making a commotion when u see her..it's really awkward and how many fucking times muz i tell u we r juz frenz..(i dunno if we still r now) so buzz off..sorry.
Loo at 9:07 PM :: link
haiz..today's been really fucked up for me..so depressing and dispirited after 3k steeple..i dunno y..i was really compelled to run..ee ghim, vishnu, tim, lucas..yeah. sigh. though i did a better timing than national juniors but tt's not the pt..my mind wandered and i juz lost it. i told myself to stay close to lucas but i didn't do tt..but gotta hand it to him..he improved tremendously. i really hated myself after tt race. worst, my leg fucking hurts now cos i tumbled over a steeple & whacked against it (not to mention fell so unglamorously on my knees!) i was juz about to pick up speed then..darn..my race gone. train of thoughts welled up in my mind.."when can i be up there like em? am i training hard enough? did i really give my all? will i make it to next year's x team?" i was demoralised and upset..shattered. y do i run like a fucking mad dog for? perhaps this race will teach me to pick myself up & move on from here. i need to prove myself..i'm not gonna juz give up..not yet..
p/s: hey reina and liz thanx for the encouragement u gave me on sun! to all members of bimbo squad, u light up my day and make me 4get my worries and burdens..u are the reason y i stayed in ac..:)
Loo at 8:43 PM :: link
|
|