+my blog...my life

i impossible is nothin'

2004-06-05T23:07:00.000+08:00

i stepped down as vice capt & joined soccer...this decision, i must say comes with it mixed emotions.It pains to part with running, after all the past 3 years of my life has been dedicated to it. Happy:) cos i finally found what i really enjoyed doing; training has been really gr8 fun. it was a hell of a nerve wrecking experience when i had to break the news to Ang. fortunately, it didn't turn out tt bad; he was nice. well, after my departure, there will be tounges wagging; ppl having opinions about me..but seriously, i dun care & i try not to let it bother me..cos really, I can't pls everyone. My departure is an awkward one. i dunno how much they ve bitch about me (quite alot, i figured out)..oh wellz, i've gotta live up to my decision. Ppl whom i noe gave me tt kinda look (the half roll eye, half kiam pah look) which really puts me off..must my departure evoke such hatred & grudge? Hey, i stepped down (a huge price in exchange for soccer, remember tt!) & c'mon not tt my prescence means anything much to those "ppl". btw, i dun regard juz as much. to the crossies..will be missing u guyz..sadly..but yeah, all the best for next year's nationals!!!

confused

2004-05-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

tomorrow may well be my last day in cross country. I've decided to join soccer. how foolish, u might think, but ultimately, i've made tt painful decision & I shall live with it. it comes down whether which one i really enjoy doing. 10 years down the road, i do not wish to turn back and ask myself y didn't I pursue soccer..i don't want to regret what i've done or rather, what i've not done. on the other hand, i've been running all these years & saying goodbye hurts. However, i can't pls others; they don't govern my life; i would rather others despise me than me being upset juz to please others. I've talked to Mr Lynn about this..he has been encouraging..he supports whatever decision i make. the problem is how should i go about telling Ang? how will he react? I'm the vice capt..and it's politically incorrect for me to go for soccer trials yesterday..i felt bad. for soccer, i'm willing to step down - tt's how far i'm willing to go, without even considering if i'll make it to the team next year. Running has taken the toil out of me..it has left me aimless, gasping for an ans which seemed eternity. I hate tt feelin'..all i want is to enjoy the remaining 1.5 years in jc. there will be bitching, backstabbing, gossips & critisms for sure..but again, i can't pls everybody. To the cross country team, i wish u guys all the best for ur next season and may the new vice capt do a better job then me..to Ang, really sorry i disappointed u..Adios

what a fuckin' joke

2004-05-24T21:51:00.000+08:00

there was a time trial today - 3000m.. knew it only today when i came for training. wasn't prepared for it. i screwed up. my timing was far worse off than last year's time. i fought back my tears but my anguish and deapair was too unbearable this time round. fuck. fuck. what the fuck happened? i dunno. i told myself - 600m than treat the remaining 2.4k like a normal 2.4 as i would run. but no..half way, it was a matter of me struggling to complete. i was mentally drained. it feels tt god is playing a fuckin' joke on me. i quit a place in the soccer team juz for the sake of running..how dumb can it get when i've not proven my worth and proven myself tt i made the right decision? it juz seemed so unfair tt everyone is improving except me. yes, bye bye to nationals.. fuck it. I'm not ashamed or watever, but it juz feels pointless for me training like a mad dog and not producing anything out of it. it's a fuckin waste of my time.

save the tears. move on. this race ain't gonna put me down.

blehz...

2004-05-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

I had a queer dream yesterday. It's wierd really; it still sent shivers down my spine. I dreamt tt i was buried alive in cement. i was riding nonchalantly along east coast towards my death - i knew tt day i had to die but i didn't noe y. i asked my dad, he said sth like "life is like a globe, u've went over the edge". on my ride to death, i saw little kids giving out pamphlets there was this guy accompanying em, but i couldn't figured out who it was. the next moment, i was coming out of a shed. i overheard a conversation my grandma was having with some lady. She asked the lady "do u noe where my grandson will go after he dies?" the lady had no idea. My grandma said "ye su" (jesus) in chinese. Images of dead ppl flashed across me..i also saw the cross. the next thing i knew i woke up, cos i nearly urinate in my pants. i juz feel tt this whole thing is morbid and abstract-death and religion seems to be the "theme". i wasn't terrified by it tt much but i still ve yet to sort out these pieces of images. why did i remember vividly what my dad said? is there a significance? it's like an ominous and sinister omen i feel. oh well...

Hah, council elections..super entertaining..
every nominee had to walk down the aisle and then go on stage and make a one liner..some of em were really good..but most of them sux big time. it's so lame. i remembered the 1st girl..great display of airheadedness..3 words and she giggles..another 3..giggles again..what a dumb fuck. oh, & y are there so many foriegn scholars running for elections and tt most of them from cambodia or laos or thailand etc. one? tt wouldn't swing in sympathy votes u noe? pathetic china scholars..they think they are some revolutionists or propogandists.."want make ac a better place"..pls try changing ur image (high pants tight shirts crop hair bata shoes yux) first.

2004-04-29T18:03:00.000+08:00

didn't go sch today. this time, I'm genuinely sick:( thanx to the tobasco sauce at NY which aggrevated my sore throat. accompanying it was a runny nose. damned. was thinking of having a long run but now..looks like I've 2 stop running for a ocuple of dayz. sigh.

yey! Bimbo sQuad is expanding..now we ve ppl coming to tell us they want to join. but sorrie..this sQuad is too exclusive already. we aim to be recognised in ACJ in a couple of mths time, go regional in a year's time & perhaps worldwide! meanwhile, we even plan to make name cards! so exciting! what next? get a ISO 9002 award? well..possible k..

yey! i'm vice capt. for cross. but then, kinda expected it. wasn't too disappointed at not being chosen the capt. cos i feel ee ghim will do a gr8 job:) will look forward to our partnership in future. congrats to bimbo squad members liz and reina..treasurer & vice capt respectively..thanx liz for ur card & warheads..dun worry, i'm fine. oh and thanx to both of u for tt britney poster..really appreciate reina's "kind" effort to search for it.

haha, yesterday was track meet..i was contemplating on sneaking out of sch via tt pathetic dog hole behind the sports complex. but darn..every one stayed in the end. but then not too bad..free display of airheadedness by ACj's very own cheerleading squad. their pongpongs are as airy as their heads..their mini skirts and kinky moves perhaps are the only jaw dropper factor but definitely not their face..

period.

2004-04-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

i dunno what's wrong..again this time..3rd race in a week..i let myself down..

today's 5k & i told myself i wanted to prove myself thru this very race. what a letdown:( i juz couldn't find the energy to push beyond my mind & body. i was contemplating to pull out of the race but i persevered to the very end..but not yet..to my biggest dismay, i only completed 11.5 rounds..which means i didn't complete the race afterall..it was bloody disappointing & demoralising. screw it. it's as if God is playing a fool on me..y am i not progressing whilst others have? it's been 3 mths! i had everything i hoped for last year..cross capt, prefect councillor, hse capt..but this year, everything has been reduced to zero...even running has deluded me. what a loser others might say..yes i agree to tt..i've has my glorious dayz gone past me & now i'm in a slumber; an abyss so deep i can't get myself out of it. i prayed & prayed & prayed..nothin' seemed to go my way..i haven't had a positive thing to mention ever since i stepped into ac and cross..it really sucked big time! my life at this moment is one fucked up piece of shit. screw it.

2004-04-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

i haven't talked to her for some time..after the 1st 3 mths, our friendship has come to a standstill..i dunno y..maybe i act dao in front of her..but she also very "bo chap" what..fine. what went wrong..? i miss those moments with her, yao wen, shai & myself but now..those are discarded back into memory lane.. she isn't herself anymore..she used to be so energetic and cheerful but now i see this sadness in her eyes..i dare not ask y..whenever we encounter each other..we juz said "hi" tt's all to our conversation..i want to ask more..but i hold back..y? is she angry with me? nowadays things looks even more bleak..i try to avoid walking in her path so as not to meet her..does she feel the same way? she owes me letters dated a mth ago..so i guess there's no more "letter day"..:( i mean i'm not forcing her to write..but if u dun ve the time or sincerity to write then juz say so..dun ve to give excuses. i forgo studying juz to write her letters in the wee hours of the nite but does she appreciate em? i dunno..maybe becos she's super busy..but i'm super busy too!
guyz (u noe who u are)..pls refrain from making a commotion when u see her..it's really awkward and how many fucking times muz i tell u we r juz frenz..(i dunno if we still r now) so buzz off..sorry.

2004-04-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

haiz..today's been really fucked up for me..so depressing and dispirited after 3k steeple..i dunno y..i was really compelled to run..ee ghim, vishnu, tim, lucas..yeah. sigh. though i did a better timing than national juniors but tt's not the pt..my mind wandered and i juz lost it. i told myself to stay close to lucas but i didn't do tt..but gotta hand it to him..he improved tremendously. i really hated myself after tt race. worst, my leg fucking hurts now cos i tumbled over a steeple & whacked against it (not to mention fell so unglamorously on my knees!) i was juz about to pick up speed then..darn..my race gone. train of thoughts welled up in my mind.."when can i be up there like em? am i training hard enough? did i really give my all? will i make it to next year's x team?" i was demoralised and upset..shattered. y do i run like a fucking mad dog for? perhaps this race will teach me to pick myself up & move on from here. i need to prove myself..i'm not gonna juz give up..not yet..

p/s: hey reina and liz thanx for the encouragement u gave me on sun! to all members of bimbo squad, u light up my day and make me 4get my worries and burdens..u are the reason y i stayed in ac..:)

2004-04-17T22:58:00.000+08:00

the passion of Christ is a mirror which i look into & reflect on my actions..it's really heartbreaking. it overwhlemed me and i remained silent for the whole nite pondering..y did Jesus die for my sins? am i worthy of His love?i didn't cry but my heart shattered. i'm sure what i saw on tt screen tt nite was juz a small fragment of the director's imagination 2000 years ago. i realised then tt whenever i prayed for sth..the Lord gives me more then watever i asked for.
Lord, thank U.

2004-04-17T22:49:00.000+08:00

kk..it's been 2 whole weeks since i updated my blog..sorrie guyz.

tomorrow's 3k steeple.sigh. sure kena thrashed. but i'm not gonna quit without a fight. it's all in the mind. it's juz me and the obstacle infront of me. do or die. hope dun tumble but if i do, juz fall with glam..haha..

watching FHM bikini heaven now..psst..boring..all of em so bimbotic..no wonder e competition is for em. should term it "bimbo heaven" instead. rachel looks rather normal..passable..nothin' unique..dun noe y all the guyz in "eye for a guy" fell for her..it's like all of em so despo to the max lar..69 bucks the winner will not be a malay or ang moh. but i muz admit, she got big smile, big eyes, big..eh..ding dangs..:P oops!

yeh! bimbo squad is expanding..since our establishment last mth, we got 10 + members already! we got a pledge too! (an excerpt :.."we pledge to uphold airheadedness and bimbotism.." ) we even got lessons to elevate our status..ooo so exciting! *twirls hair* note: members! we ve a test next week to snap fingers like diva. practice pls. the founder, pls learn it..quite difficult for u..but try.

hey zhu ping can be quite funny! haha. but when he tried too hard to become a diva..it's sooo irritating. like hello, i suggest he goes for extreme makeover first b4 he attempts. but muz hand to him..he toks back to pui yee..lol. but she deserves it..hate tt bo chap face..she toks like a seal..like got sth stuck up tt throat..gasp! adam's apple maybe?

joey, dun worry about tt 40 inch plasma wide screen ass of urs..i bet reina can beat u to e crown..:p i somehow can't fathom the fetish kaiting ve for geppers. do they look extremely EXTRA(ordinary)? most of looks like robot coming out from the same machine. sigh.

sigh sigh..tomorrow how? so malu if i get last..:( signing off..

2004-04-03T17:57:00.000+08:00

arrgh..caught a cold & my nose is running like a tap..pissed off :( bloody dust mites. didn't noe i've so much rubbish accumulated in my study room until today.
blehz..midsummer's nite dream was a total waste time..but i enjoyed the dancing though. Inlian was so kewl! haha. she could really shake her booty man. went newton after tt for supper..yummie! :) Bevan & his fren were like self-inviting themselves to our outing. shootz, so irritating. he's such a poser.. showing off his jay walkin skills certainly was an eye opener...juz dun get run over by ur mom's merz:P he comes across as trying too hard the whole nite manz! what a spoiler! what he's done to val represents "jerk" in every sense of the word. c'mon dun lead her anymore asshead!
yesterday's training really tested my grit...i was on the brink of giving up the workout. my shin splins were super painful; every step i take was a torture. after the 2nd set, i threw in the towel.. i sat there, looked at the rest of my team mates & juz thought really deeply. i knew tt it was really mind over matter. i knew tt i could do it despite of the pain. i perservered and finished the nest 3 sets. indeed, a sense of relief overcame me. i was satisfied jus by finishing the workout. i dun think i'm pushing hard enough.. my real competitor now is myself. I have to overcome my mind if i want to perform and be at tt next level.
nana..my letter! i actually wrote u a letter today but u didn't bring urs..:( dun fren u lar. it's been 3 weeks since we wrote.hence my anxiety. sorrie for throwing a tantrum @ u..
joey! argh..gave liz & myself false hope only..thought u would be coming to our class. sigh.
Alex..sorrie lor..i dun mean to chase him away lar..eh, at least i didn't bitch about u rite? :P fine.
yeh..philbert came to our class..glad to ve u around.. *tweet tweet* haha.
reina! too much lar u..bathe for soooo long..somemore called me fisherman..wah lao..gross beyond gross. juz go bang ur head against the wall.
the week's been rough..i dun exactly like my class..and the teachers...arggh..who cares..juz live with it..can't be bothered with em.

2004-03-30T21:56:00.000+08:00

sigh...2nd day into my new class & i'm still stoning:( i somehow dun click with my new class! the Cj gang really not worth talking anyway..well, the only improvement i made was talking to Hae Sung and Cai Fen..like wow..tt's a great deal like tt. oh wellz, think i'm too satisfied in my comfort zone. it juz dun seem very enthusiastic on my part to meet my classmates. but they should at least take the initiative too rite? it seem so hypocritical if i go up to em & greet "Hi! Nice to meet u!" whilst in the back of mind i will be like "Go rot & die" It's so not natural lar; it's like a masquerade!
Hah, Zhu ping didn't tok tt much today..subdued...perhaps like limited brain cells..all finished up yesterday..empty vessel really..lol.
today's been rather bleak & gloomy..hopefully tomorrow's a better day:) k..incredible tales starting..signing off

2004-03-29T21:41:00.000+08:00

yeh! liz, kt, vic, si xiu all in my class, but sadly tt's e only ppl remaining from sc 9:( miss those tt went other combi or other classes (but ofcos, not those who transferred out..*ahem vavavoom tops the razzies) y our class so jumbled up ah? screw the system really. sigh, first day in my new class has really been stone to the very max. can't even be bothered to describe it..well..denene is the expression. it's so damn clicky. u ve the sc 10 + 9 ppl and the CJ gang. the latter really buckets galore. seriously. there's this guy called Zhu ping or watever his name is..who was from fairfield was totally an insult to the human race. i loathe him! arrgh. he's 2 sex bands (1 white 1 black) and an unsightly ring on his forefinger. if i accidentally snap his bands..well sorrie..screw urself! tt face. tt attitude. juz got tt "kiam pah" sign on his forehead. he comes across as trying too hard to impress with his very powderful engrish accent. yucks! he's diarrhoea to the max lar. the rest of the ppl from tt gang damn dao.didn't even bothered to say hi..k..not tt i'm some diva or sth..but..hello? socialise pls..oops, actually it wouldn't ve mattered. kk..simmered down liao...phew. well guess what? i've found joey's successor! Issac..u the man! looking forward to further bitching sessions with u also..eh..how can i 4get kt and liz..:) fellow bitches (oops) i meant fellow accomplices in bitching.
ah..training today was tiring. long run..more like horse race but i did my pb for tt route! yeh! oh wellz...still ve loads more to prove my worth lar. take my time:| signing off..:P

acj.hollywood.zoo.

2004-03-28T00:22:00.000+08:00

the ppl in acj (students. some? most?) are really shallow, immature, hypocritical and snobbish. They ve a psuedo fakeness about em which really puts me off. i'm not being a bitch or watever but hello? welcome to the reality of acj aka hollywood aka zoo. dun get me wrong. i like acj. the real true frens i made, the physical environment and cross country - all these i treaure. sadly, tt's all to tt. the rest of the ppl listen up: look in the mirror to see what "Ugly" really means, curl up and die & juz rot in ur own world. i'm so put off by ur antics (or politics) rather. truth #1- u gotta be gd looking to "survive" in "hollywood". agree? hands up. i'm not condemning those who look gd but rather, those ppl who thinks they look so cool. pls ah..dun flatter urself. even Michael Jackson would ve mocked u. shan't mention names this time round. truth#2 - acj is an exhibition hall; certain ppl juz wanna "showcase" watever shit they've got. hey! sounds like the zoo where animals are on display. posers pls dun defame watever tt's on u..cos they seriously dun deserve ur "undivided attention". for heaven's sake those aspiring models (more like drag queens) wanna be..ur skirt is too "high" a standard for ur own gd..ok..i'm fine with short skirts but not tt short till u reveal too much of ur anatomy. can't stand girls who act cute. pls..not pet house. dun need to "groom" urselves by trying too hard to be pretty. truth # 3 - airheads galore. reina..haha..first name tt comes to my mind. no lar..juz jokin' u r smart lar. going out to all those act chio buay chio ones. i sometimes wonder how u ended up in jc..ur intellect is like 0. really. "Oh, what's an airhead?" i heard one girl asking tt..OMG..k if maybe jessica simpsons noe e ans..i can forgive u. kk bitching session 1.1 accomplished. tune in for my next seesion some other time when i feel like bitching. lol.

my blog...my life

2004-03-27T23:40:00.000+08:00

it took me sooo damn long to publish my first ever blog. :S but :) finally done it..with joey's help. still got loads more to update. went running at macritchie..train of thoughts filled my mind. i was juz thinking where i would i stand next year for x nats. my passion for running had been diminishing since last year's sch's meet. plunged into darkness, i was uncertain and weary. however, tt flame of passion soon rekindled this year...slowly, but surely..cos it came to dawn tt running is still in me. I want to pursue and realise my dream..to run..in next year's sch's nats. I had to forgo soccer for cross country despite of the many critics i receieved (which isn't really kind but i can't be bothered :P). tt was a tough choice cos the former has always been my love. the other worry was which jc would i be..my eventual choice was ac and i don't even look back at the choice i made cos somehow i believed God has a purpose for me in acj. Nj..nah..screw it, no lost. haha. i wanna run at next year's x nats. for Him. for Ac. for me.
The excruciating pain in my thighs and claves were unbearable. I wanted to start walking but these train of thoughts kept me perservering to the very end. I crossed the finish line juz under an hr. elated. relieved. worn. but not defeated. running will always be my life story. a story weaved by every step i take...